When I feel down, that my life is falling apart, a few things happen to me. First, I experience frustration, sadness, and anger. This eventually comes out in tears, as that is how I express my feelings, and then I throw myself the biggest pity party around. I think, how does this keep happening to me?
Usually after I get my emotions under control, I start to feel badly about the way I have reacted. I mean, if my car breaks down, that's not so bad. I mean, there are a lot of people who are a lot worse off, whether they are dealing with cancer, or the death of a loved one, and therefore I think, how can I feel so bad when there are others out there who are dealing with much worse? But a friend once told me that there will always be bad things happening to other people, and my feelings are MY feelings, so I shouldn't feel bad about that. I can't always compare my problems to other people's problems. That thought has stayed with me. She isn't saying stay sad forever, just that it's O.K. to feel sad when things are going wrong in your life. That is a comfort to me.
Lately I feel like God has forgotten about me. Since the end of February, I have spent over $2000 on my car, with most of that cost going towards getting the same problem fixed 4 times. 4 TIMES! Can you believe that 3 mechanics missed the original problem that was the cause of all the breakdowns? And today, which spurred this blog, our car wouldn't start. I don't think it's a dead battery, although I don't know anything about cars, but I think it may be the starter. And all I can think is, why is this happening to us? What did I do wrong, that I'm being punished? I've always believed that God never gives us more than we can handle in this life, but I feel like that breaking point hit a couple months back. I owe money, a lot of money, to the bank, my parents, and to the government. My husband is in school, and we can't get any more money from OSAP. So in the midst of all our problems with the car, we need to find a way to save money for his last year of schooling. I also work at the school he goes too, so presently we are down one job that helps us make ends meet.
How did life turn out this way? I recently read the whole book of Job, and it was very interesting. Job lost almost everything. God was proving to Satan that Job was a righteous man, and therefore He took everything away from Job. Why? I don't understand why God needed to prove something to Satan. I think I would really like to hear a good sermon series on the book of Job. I think there are many people suffering out there, who could use a better understanding of why bad things happen to them.
Right now I feel like ripping my hair out. I feel like crying until everything goes numb. Money won't buy happiness, but it would really help bring us out of debt, help us to stop fighting. I guess I'm hoping that one day, in the future, Bill and I will be able to look back on this and see how much stronger it made us as a couple, how we grew together and closer to God. How we met these adversities head on and overcame them.
When will that day come?